You Have Been Assigned This Mountain

I've been fighting with depression lately.  I've been ill for 19 years now, it's very isolating and I'm really struggling.  I'm fully aware that I'm struggling and along with all of this my brain likes to catastrophise things.  Let's just say the last six weeks haven't been fun.  Along the way, I've written a few things down and scrapped a few feelings out and I'm sharing some of that here today.

"7^th February

I'm having a really rough time lately. My physical pains are always worse in winter - the cold gets into my joints and my muscles are easily tweaked. Also, February is the anniversary of me falling ill. It will be 19 years next week. Sigh! I try not to dwell on it but it does affect me. It seems all of the things try and create are just not coming off. I'm losing photos, getting spelling wrong, smudging ink. I thought I'd do some fussy cutting and caught my trousers in the scissors.

So I took to praying...
Prayer is hard for me. I was a Christian, a member of the Church, an active person within the Church before I fell ill and praying was fine. I even set up a prayer group for the youth. But praying for health constantly and not receiving it is devastating. Gradually I learned that God's timing is perfect. He has a plan and he has a reason. Clearly, they are different to what mine were and we certainly don't work on the same time scale! So if his time is perfect He will heal me when the time is right. So I stopped praying those prayers. And then most other prayers too. And it's hard to get back to it. I think about people a lot, they are on my mind and I want good for them but it’s not quite the praying that it used to be.

A few words seemed to find me, a praise quote in my ribbon stash. An unhappy emoji on a throwaway comment highlighting just how negative my language had become. Cop out. Give up. I don't give up. 19 years says I don't give up! Don't you dare give up!

“Rejoice always.”
"Sometimes God doesn't change the situation because he is trying to change your heart."
"You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved."

So tomorrow, or the next day if tomorrow and I aren't friends, I will create with these words in mind. I will relax and get lost in creating which is a talent God has blessed me with. Then I will share the creation and these words with people. Hopefully, the creative process will heal my heart a little. Hopefully, the creation will inspire someone who sees it. Hopefully, these words that I'm scribbling down at a furious pace will actually make sense and touch someone’s heart."

"I'm low anyway.  I've got no protection barriers up.  I can still see my normal point of view but I don't believe it.  I just have the overwhelming feeling that I'm a horrible person who everyone despises and talks about negatively."

"Frustration and loneliness.  Which is ironic because at the same time as being lonely I also want to avoid all human interaction.  I'm so lucky that I'm aware that this is depression and that I know what is going on... I can imagine how confusing it would be to wonder why you are suddenly feeling all these things."

"Don't you dare give up"

Thanks for stopping by x